Frequently Asked Questions About the Psychology of Love

Yes. Research on "earned security," using Mary Main's Adult Attachment Interview, shows that supportive relationships, reflection and therapy can move people toward greater security. Attachment is better seen as a flexible tendency than a fixed type. See our attachment guide.

No. The pairing often creates a pursue-withdraw cycle, but couples who recognise the cycle and name their underlying needs can become more secure together, as research on Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy suggests.

Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages (1992) is widely loved, but studies give limited support to the idea that matching a partner's single preferred "language" drives satisfaction. Broad responsiveness, showing care in many forms, appears more important. The idea can still be a useful conversation starter.

Clark and Mills found close relationships work best in a communal mode, giving according to needs. Constant scorekeeping is often a sign of feeling unseen. An occasional honest check on fairness is healthy. More in our reciprocity guide.

It comes from John Gottman's observations of couples during conflict discussions. Stable couples averaged about five positive interactions for every negative one. It is an average pattern, not a strict daily rule.

Not necessarily. Gottman found stable couples argue too. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, along with failed repairs, are stronger warning signs than how often you disagree.

Take a break of at least twenty minutes, do something calming, and tell your partner when you will return. Coming back as promised is part of the repair. See the repair guide.

Passionate love tends to decline on average, while companionate love can grow. A 2012 brain-imaging study by Acevedo, Aron, Fisher and Brown found some long-married people remain intensely in love, with calmer patterns than new couples.

No. Our guides are educational. A qualified therapist can tailor support to your situation. If there is fear, coercion or abuse in your relationship, please contact specialist support services first.